Trying to go uphill while downhill

I'm tired of this all. Tired of complaining, tired of doing nothing, tired of weaknesses, tired of shortcommings.

I make bold statements I want to acheive, I set small goals to meet, but yet things always revert. But, over the last year, maybe what I felt was a revert, maybe it wasn't a complete backslide. Looking back, I think I did manage to gain a bit of ground each time, but it was so miniscule, I failed to view it as any kind of forward movement. They say that you have to hit rock bottom to sometimes teach you the error of your ways, but it gets hard on the ass when you think you keep hitting rock bottom, and eventually your ass gets used to it. Then, one day, you realize it's not your ass, but your feet that are starting to go numb. And that, is when I realized that maybe I am heading in the right direction.

And I realize that direction, in fact, I have known about it for the last year. You wake up, and feel a bit better about who you are. After shutting down and away, you start to feel lonely. You know that alcohol isn't the best medicine, and start to look at better ways of coping .

And yup, in all that confusion, and turmoil, all of those feeling of self pity, of self loathing, I know I have to jump from this hole. But how?

Best philosphy on how to quite drinking: today I won't have a drink. That sounds great and achievable, but how often have I been autopilot and just pulled in and bought a six pack. How to live the philosphy- remove the means to acquire the six pack. Have extra money? Move it to an account that is a pain in the ass to access or withdraw from (hint...ingdirect can be great...takes a week for the money to clear, takes another 3 days after that to deposit it back into an account). Basically, buy your food, fill your gas tank, set your bills on automatic withdrawal on payday, then whatever is left, move it to a harder to reach place (but not too hard...emergencies or events do happen)

Look around...do others need to drink as much as you. Co workers will always joke about tying one on...but they are joking, you are living it. Do you go to different liquor stores to make purchases, to ensure that you don't become a familiar face? All you are really doing is becoming a familiar face at many liquor stores. That feeling of disconnect, that seeming clarity that comes after a few drinks, there are other ways to deal. Admit you have a problem, and solve the problem.

I hope to convice myself. I will keep the argument up, but as I said, I am tired of being this way. There has

A musing of sorts

So what is weakness? I have a few ideas...

And another dead soldier

Sorry, guess the title might be a bit misleading, but I am sure that those who need to understand, will.

So, only a week has gone by, and for some reason I felt the need to write again.

Soooo...number one, after the last post, let's just say that maybe beer goggles goes both ways...lol..but, funny enough, not that I really care. Instead of finding this as yet another failure, it was a refreshing step in the right direction, I think. I have never picked up in a bar, but for all the good I felt from the experience, there was also a list of things to work on ( apartment clean, are you drunk...are you smashed....stop talking)

Look, I am probably the worst guy to actually psychoanalyze himself ( fuck...if someone is actually reading... my ex wife is a psychologist), but I do know that I have been very depressed since January, which I decided the best way to cope with was with isolation and alcohol. For awhile, seemed okay. But....yes, it did start to take a toll on me....my social skills deteriorated,...the weight i lost came back and the physical conditioning was lost...and worst of all for me, my work performance started suffering. So, basically I became the walking embodiment of the old "back to school"specials.

But, no earth shattering, life altering things happening. More so a gradual coming out of the shell. Again, refer to the last post, but I am finally gaining confidence in myself again. The more I look at myself (and trust me.... the after midnight self introspections still occur) I see a normal person. Wow...what an earth shattering revelation!!!! Seriously though... My coping with my divorce, and basically my whole life goal up to that point, was a serious bout of denial. Look, in TV or Movies, your buddy/ brother shows up at the door with a six pack, ready to brow beat you back to reality. I didn't have that. People who I thought were my friends suddenly became ackward...my family offered support, then disappeared. The only upside was that I never had a close relationship with my brother, but over the last couple of years, and maybe more so the last few, he has made more of an effort to connect. Unfortunately, as I write that, I realize that it has been a one way street.

I have actually gotten to talking to my boss a bit over last few weeks, as we have had to spend quite a bit of time together. She basically has everything I saw for myself...a decent job...kids...a spouse who they still love. She is not much older than I am, so I kinda of view her as a role model ( it helps that our personalities mesh well), but also see what could have been for me, if not for some character flaws ( again, if you can't figure out the title....)

But, I now feel that I have walked around the barn, threw some apples in the door, walked throught he stables, stood in front of the pen, and now have one foot in the stirrups. (if you are reading this, and mayhap are a bit slow....I am getting back on the horse). The old work ethic is coming back...a new found confidence/ who gives a fuck is cropping up. I am a geek....I am cranky...I am a nice guy...I am nervous and akward...I am intelligent.... I am me.

So, again apologies to myself and others that I couldn't have another post with somewhat witty obersvations/ comments...but sometimes you just need to get stuff out.

What do you mean Star Trek still isn't in theatres.

So, here we are midway through summer, and I can apathetically say that not much has changed, yet. Due to a particularly wet beginning, and work commitments, I found that I basically had no time or drive to head out camping for a weekend. In fact, didn't have much of an inclination to do pretty much anything besides sit at home and play WoW. (if you are reading this and don't know what that is...try this link: www.google.com). Okay, complete sidebar, but was playing the other night, and this married couple ended up having a fight, with the hubby actually accusing the wife of going to have an affair with another gameplayer. Sad part is that he logged onto the game to do it! Talk about maybe having the game invade your reality just a wee bit too much.

Anyway, interesting tid bit of what can happen these days. So, after watching that, it was almost like seeing something through a window. More in a sec maybe.

So, as per norm I guess a quick check in of how I made out with made last paragraph of pronouncements. Yes, I actually go the the used bookstore around the corner now. I still sometimes go to a further grocery store to avoid running into the "ex". I have been out with friends, doing this I wouldn't normally do, like shelling out allot of money to see a concert I had no desire to see. But...I am sort of happy to say I did get a confidence boost. Was out with a buddy at the pub, waiting on some friends of his, when I thought I would be nice and buy a drink for some ladies who had been looking my way. So, yes, and maybe....insert whatever questions you would like...pervert.

So, yes, I think I finally got the kick in the pants I needed, both with a glimpse of the patheticness of playing online games and substituting that for actual "people time", and maybe seeing that I am not completely hideous to the opposite sex, though I probably won't be going after Meagan Fox anytime soon.

So, that is it. Actually, fairly dull compared to some of my earlier rants, but... yeah, still can't come up with anything.

Leaving the blue room for another little bit. Put the chair back when you're done.

next in series

So,

it finally happened today. After living in the same area as my ex, I ran across her at the grocery store, with her new

Another April Post?

Hi to everybody.

So, I have actually read over my list, and have started picking off some of the items.

1.) I went to the used bookstore, and of course is was great! Small shop, crammed full of books, some eccentric patrons wandering about. But seriously, it was a good shop, and the owner was very personable. After selection 2 books, the owner gave me a $1.50 discount and would sell me both for $10 (paperbacks, but who cares, reading is about escaping). But, since I am generation next guy, only had a debit card to pay, which they don't accept ( cash only). I told the shopkeeper I would be back, and proceeded off to the grocery store a couple of blocks away. When I returned, cash in hand, the owner/shopkeeper was just returning from the coffee shop, apologized for almost missing me, then related that he had enjoyed the first chapter of one of the books I had selected ( he read it while i was gone) and the second selection had been almost sold a couple of days before. So, lesson 1, peak head out of shell and be rewarded.

1+1=2

Wow,

I am shocking myself by adding a second post within a month. Either I am bored, sick, or my mental state is increasingly deteriorating....I guess you can figure out for yourself but I am pretty sure which one is the most accurate.

New pet peeve of the weekend. I hate it when I go buy a book by a "safe" author, only to come home and find the damn thing already on my bookshelf, read. Not to be too uppitiy, but I do tend to read a bit, and not always the most award winning literary novels, so when I want a quick, no brainer, sit on the couch/ bathtub passtime, I usually stick to the same group of authors. Only, it seems, that depending on the time that has past, the book has made such an impression on me that I buy it again, then a chapter or two into it, I realize a sense of deja vous, and look on the bookshelf..only to see...the same book. I guess I should stick to my other trick of picking random books off of the discount shelf, or maybe heading to that neat used bookstore around the corner, which I keep acting like a big pussy and never actually going into to browse. Hell, the only time I went in was to purchase a book that I saw int he window, and was actually apologetic for wanting the book from the display. Should have congratulated the shopkeep that his advertising had actually worked and had caused me to purchase his wares. But such is my bane of life...

So, here it is, another Sunday night, the prelude to another work week. I always have to laugh at myself... I somehow rationalize that the longer I prolong going to bed on Sunday, the better I can fight off the upcoming workweek. ( I actually visualize that commercial with all the people fighting off the sunrise with garbage can lids) Yet all I am actually doing is depriving myself of precious nocturnal rest. Which actually brings me to the point of blogging tonight. I can't sleep. I don't know if I am some kind of freak, but my brain refuses to shut off. Oh, sure, it takes a coffee break, but usually between the hours of 1:30 and 4am, it makes sure to bring me back to consciousness to help it fully explore all of the trivial matters that are perplexing it. Even tonight, after experiencing another game of, "Try and put the worry to rest...I dare you!" last night, here I am, still wide awake. I even had a nice evening of sitting on the deck (yes, it is still below freezing here at night) having a beer and listening to some distant neighbours having a nice old fight, interlaced with the alley cat literally caterwauling the night away. At least the stars were out, and for brief moments could actually lose myself in the peace of the night.

The hermit thing still seems to be permeating my being. I am trying to force myself to get out there. Went to the mall on a whim, though that didn't last long. I am not sure what my fear is of the general public. Well, that's a lie. I fear humiliation, being spurned, putting myself out there only to get it thrown back in my face. I have to laugh (the only other option is to cry...but I don't drink enough water for that)...A full year after my separation and I seem to be in worse shape than before. Fuck it, I was actually going out there and dating, taking chances, was actually doing well, (ha, at least for my standards) but then something clicked, and agoraphobia set in.

Enough, I need to get off my ass, literally and figuratively. Next post I will have put myself out there, and not an easy one either, but a challenge. Can I follow through?
Same bat time, same bat channel.

April showers bring nothing.

So, apparently setting goals is about as useful as a hole in the head. I have done nothing, except become more sloth like. Gym....what is that... I actually still have a "Free B-day Gift" from 2008 that I haven't used yet, because I still haven't been back to the gym in 2009. Other failed goals...walk the dog every day ( gawd...poor thing, haven't even managed 3 or 4 times per week).

So, what have I done. I took on more responsibility at work that everyone, myself included, thought would only take up about 9- 10 hours a week, which in itself is no big deal since I..ahem..delegated some stuff to another co-worker (who's position I was hired to do...awkward!)but in reality it's more like 15-20 hours a week, the bulk of which happens on tuesdays. So, now I am working a 15 hour day on Tuesday's, only to be offset by the 10-12 hour days for the rest of the week. But bitching aside, it is a great company to work for, and I am really happy to be back in the fold, especially during these times. ( okay, hint, it may involve potatoes, and rhymes with Prito May). I actually had a great 1 on 1 session with my boss this past week, who basically told me if I hadn't come along, her job would be alot busier and harder than it has been. Actually, she is finding content in her job again, as I have taken so much on and off of her plate. In fact, my boss kept referring to a work/ life balance, and that he/ she was worried I wasn't able to achieve it very well, which is 100% accurate. But hey, no significant other, (and see below), no real social network, I have become the classic definition of the wierd dedicated creepy guy.

Another reason why I thought I would add another random. infrequent post is that I was looking over my email "sent" items, and I have sooo many friends that I haven't sent an email in 20 days. In this age, I might as well be a leper.

Seriously though, it is my fault. After New Years, I decided that my apartment was all I needed to see and be involved with, because hey, who needs human contact outside of work.... any normal fucking person, that' s who. I woke up one day (okay not literally woke up from a nice sleep and wonderful dream...but kind of snapped back into reality) and realized that I am a hermit...if I was to die in my apartment after this post, nobody would find me for at least a month, but probably more.

So, revisited goals are to go to the god forsaken gym (man, do I hate those stupid machines and ultra buff urbanites) and actually seek out a social group, or volunteer, something that doesn't involve my keyboard, dog, and desk chair. I hope I can muster the confidence, as after basically relegating myself to obscure-dom, I really need to put a rubber band around my head and snap out of it. Maybe a lttle less alcohol on the weekends may help as well...both mentally and financially. (okay, next post may be about how I hate revenue Canada, and money in general)

Damn..it's hard to type with cold fingers

So, was reading the local rags website, and came across a basic bitch/rant forum, and it struck me that I have a blog that nobody reads, so why not pay a visit and add some more useless content.

So, like everybody else in this city right now, I am tired of the cold. The weird part for me is that the cold never bothered me before, as I have pretty much always had jobs that required being outside. But now with my office in a warehouse, it seems the cold has seeped into my bones and I just can't seem to shake it. Ah well, cold bitching done.

Amusing fact, budget day, 2009, and I see that the new tax cuts will save me about 115$ a year!

So, once again I look back and see my goals for the year falling by the wayside. I can't seem to get my ass in gear to get to the gym lately, okay, for like 3 months, and have become very slothlike, wich of course is totally helping my keeping my weight down, if of course the universe was always fair and by just thinking about something would make it happen...nope, still didn't win the lottery without buying a ticket. So yeah, back to the weight thing. So of course leaving the channel on the Biggest Loser just makes me feel worse, instead of motivated, which led to this outpouring. So, maybe as a way to get my ass in gear and do what i know is right, let's make a revised list of ...think of a synoym for goal and insert...

1.) Actually join some sort of social group
2.) Go to the gym
3.) Get a haircut
4.) start walking the dog regularly
5.)Go to the gym
6.) Eat even healthier, supposedly chicken can be good?
7.) Maybe go to the gym before work

I guess the trick is not to make huge goals, but maybe more manageable and achievable ones.
Will revist in T minus timeline un determined.