And another dead soldier

Sorry, guess the title might be a bit misleading, but I am sure that those who need to understand, will.

So, only a week has gone by, and for some reason I felt the need to write again.

Soooo...number one, after the last post, let's just say that maybe beer goggles goes both ways...lol..but, funny enough, not that I really care. Instead of finding this as yet another failure, it was a refreshing step in the right direction, I think. I have never picked up in a bar, but for all the good I felt from the experience, there was also a list of things to work on ( apartment clean, are you drunk...are you smashed....stop talking)

Look, I am probably the worst guy to actually psychoanalyze himself ( fuck...if someone is actually reading... my ex wife is a psychologist), but I do know that I have been very depressed since January, which I decided the best way to cope with was with isolation and alcohol. For awhile, seemed okay. But....yes, it did start to take a toll on me....my social skills deteriorated,...the weight i lost came back and the physical conditioning was lost...and worst of all for me, my work performance started suffering. So, basically I became the walking embodiment of the old "back to school"specials.

But, no earth shattering, life altering things happening. More so a gradual coming out of the shell. Again, refer to the last post, but I am finally gaining confidence in myself again. The more I look at myself (and trust me.... the after midnight self introspections still occur) I see a normal person. Wow...what an earth shattering revelation!!!! Seriously though... My coping with my divorce, and basically my whole life goal up to that point, was a serious bout of denial. Look, in TV or Movies, your buddy/ brother shows up at the door with a six pack, ready to brow beat you back to reality. I didn't have that. People who I thought were my friends suddenly became ackward...my family offered support, then disappeared. The only upside was that I never had a close relationship with my brother, but over the last couple of years, and maybe more so the last few, he has made more of an effort to connect. Unfortunately, as I write that, I realize that it has been a one way street.

I have actually gotten to talking to my boss a bit over last few weeks, as we have had to spend quite a bit of time together. She basically has everything I saw for myself...a decent job...kids...a spouse who they still love. She is not much older than I am, so I kinda of view her as a role model ( it helps that our personalities mesh well), but also see what could have been for me, if not for some character flaws ( again, if you can't figure out the title....)

But, I now feel that I have walked around the barn, threw some apples in the door, walked throught he stables, stood in front of the pen, and now have one foot in the stirrups. (if you are reading this, and mayhap are a bit slow....I am getting back on the horse). The old work ethic is coming back...a new found confidence/ who gives a fuck is cropping up. I am a geek....I am cranky...I am a nice guy...I am nervous and akward...I am intelligent.... I am me.

So, again apologies to myself and others that I couldn't have another post with somewhat witty obersvations/ comments...but sometimes you just need to get stuff out.