1+1=2

Wow,

I am shocking myself by adding a second post within a month. Either I am bored, sick, or my mental state is increasingly deteriorating....I guess you can figure out for yourself but I am pretty sure which one is the most accurate.

New pet peeve of the weekend. I hate it when I go buy a book by a "safe" author, only to come home and find the damn thing already on my bookshelf, read. Not to be too uppitiy, but I do tend to read a bit, and not always the most award winning literary novels, so when I want a quick, no brainer, sit on the couch/ bathtub passtime, I usually stick to the same group of authors. Only, it seems, that depending on the time that has past, the book has made such an impression on me that I buy it again, then a chapter or two into it, I realize a sense of deja vous, and look on the bookshelf..only to see...the same book. I guess I should stick to my other trick of picking random books off of the discount shelf, or maybe heading to that neat used bookstore around the corner, which I keep acting like a big pussy and never actually going into to browse. Hell, the only time I went in was to purchase a book that I saw int he window, and was actually apologetic for wanting the book from the display. Should have congratulated the shopkeep that his advertising had actually worked and had caused me to purchase his wares. But such is my bane of life...

So, here it is, another Sunday night, the prelude to another work week. I always have to laugh at myself... I somehow rationalize that the longer I prolong going to bed on Sunday, the better I can fight off the upcoming workweek. ( I actually visualize that commercial with all the people fighting off the sunrise with garbage can lids) Yet all I am actually doing is depriving myself of precious nocturnal rest. Which actually brings me to the point of blogging tonight. I can't sleep. I don't know if I am some kind of freak, but my brain refuses to shut off. Oh, sure, it takes a coffee break, but usually between the hours of 1:30 and 4am, it makes sure to bring me back to consciousness to help it fully explore all of the trivial matters that are perplexing it. Even tonight, after experiencing another game of, "Try and put the worry to rest...I dare you!" last night, here I am, still wide awake. I even had a nice evening of sitting on the deck (yes, it is still below freezing here at night) having a beer and listening to some distant neighbours having a nice old fight, interlaced with the alley cat literally caterwauling the night away. At least the stars were out, and for brief moments could actually lose myself in the peace of the night.

The hermit thing still seems to be permeating my being. I am trying to force myself to get out there. Went to the mall on a whim, though that didn't last long. I am not sure what my fear is of the general public. Well, that's a lie. I fear humiliation, being spurned, putting myself out there only to get it thrown back in my face. I have to laugh (the only other option is to cry...but I don't drink enough water for that)...A full year after my separation and I seem to be in worse shape than before. Fuck it, I was actually going out there and dating, taking chances, was actually doing well, (ha, at least for my standards) but then something clicked, and agoraphobia set in.

Enough, I need to get off my ass, literally and figuratively. Next post I will have put myself out there, and not an easy one either, but a challenge. Can I follow through?
Same bat time, same bat channel.