I'm tired of this all. Tired of complaining, tired of doing nothing, tired of weaknesses, tired of shortcommings.
I make bold statements I want to acheive, I set small goals to meet, but yet things always revert. But, over the last year, maybe what I felt was a revert, maybe it wasn't a complete backslide. Looking back, I think I did manage to gain a bit of ground each time, but it was so miniscule, I failed to view it as any kind of forward movement. They say that you have to hit rock bottom to sometimes teach you the error of your ways, but it gets hard on the ass when you think you keep hitting rock bottom, and eventually your ass gets used to it. Then, one day, you realize it's not your ass, but your feet that are starting to go numb. And that, is when I realized that maybe I am heading in the right direction.
And I realize that direction, in fact, I have known about it for the last year. You wake up, and feel a bit better about who you are. After shutting down and away, you start to feel lonely. You know that alcohol isn't the best medicine, and start to look at better ways of coping .
And yup, in all that confusion, and turmoil, all of those feeling of self pity, of self loathing, I know I have to jump from this hole. But how?
Best philosphy on how to quite drinking: today I won't have a drink. That sounds great and achievable, but how often have I been autopilot and just pulled in and bought a six pack. How to live the philosphy- remove the means to acquire the six pack. Have extra money? Move it to an account that is a pain in the ass to access or withdraw from (hint...ingdirect can be great...takes a week for the money to clear, takes another 3 days after that to deposit it back into an account). Basically, buy your food, fill your gas tank, set your bills on automatic withdrawal on payday, then whatever is left, move it to a harder to reach place (but not too hard...emergencies or events do happen)
Look around...do others need to drink as much as you. Co workers will always joke about tying one on...but they are joking, you are living it. Do you go to different liquor stores to make purchases, to ensure that you don't become a familiar face? All you are really doing is becoming a familiar face at many liquor stores. That feeling of disconnect, that seeming clarity that comes after a few drinks, there are other ways to deal. Admit you have a problem, and solve the problem.
I hope to convice myself. I will keep the argument up, but as I said, I am tired of being this way. There has
