Been a a few days, so thought I would update my progress through life to this point.

So yeah, 37 now, and some things have changed. I am now residing in Quebec City, thanks to a transfer in the not so distant past.  Still suffering from the crippling money issues, but have taken some very drastic steps to claw my way out.  About a year ago, with no hope of climbing my way out of the pit, I bit the bullet and went to a bankruptcy consultant to see what my options were.  I didn't want to outright declare bankruptcy, a bit for the stigma, but more so I believe that every company that saw fit to give me a loan or credit deserved their money back.  And thanks to a very capable consultant, I was pointed in the direction of a non profit agency that does just that.  So while my credit will be shot for the next 4-5 years, I sleep well knowing that through monthly payments all said companies will be repaid.

Then in November of 2014, I got into a car accident.  Thank whatever spirit or force you believe in, but nobody was hurt.  But my truck was a write off.  This was the first truck I had ever bought for myself, and seeing the crushed wreck was a horrible feeling.  Yet, thankfully there is sometimes a silver lining to the clouds that darken us, and while it was a nasty day for all involved, the insurance settlement covered the rest of the truck loan, plus enough to allow me to purchase outright another vehicle.  In this case, a 2011 Ford Escape, which as much as I loved my 2010 Ranger, sometimes you sit in a vehicle, and just know, this is my car.

Ah, and yes, Quebec.  Back in November of 2014 ( beginning to think this may have been some turning point...)  I went to work for a week out of the Vanier DC for Frito Lay, as they had been lacking a capable admin (sigh, yes, that is what I know admit I am, and probably always will be) for a few months, and needed someone to show the team the ropes, and get a few things sorted out.  The whole time the managers and other staff kept joking about how would I like to come to Quebec and work.  After arriving back in Halifax, I started to get really frustrated in my day to day routine.  The same problems kept occurring, I felt I was shoe horned into a role I no longer cared about. As each day went by, my thoughts kept coming back to the same train.  So finally in December, I reached out to the Area Manager and said that if they had the need, I would be willing to relocate, with some conditions.  Anyway, not to drag it out ( which should be a blog post of it's own), wheels had already been turning, and come the start of March, here I am in the Belle Province, desperately trying to improve my rusty french skills.

But as I have had conversations, I find it ironically funny about the wheels turning the whole time that I was unaware off.  So, in no particular order, is what I found out after that fact:
1.) The plan had been in the works to transfer me, they were just trying to figure out how to approach it.  So me reaching out was the opening they had been trying to find.
2.) Once I arrived in Quebec, I found out that the manager here was being relocated to....the Bedford DC (Halifax) to help them get the through the major changes that were happening.
3.) The area manager had a meeting with me, and told me a couple of things:
     a.) Had I not been transferred, the Quebec Manager would not be relocating.
    b.) My old manager my be facing a short term demotion.
    c.) Initially, I had been told I would not be considered for a role in Montreal from the old Area Manager, that they were hoping that I would be able to find a place at the plant eventually.

But I guess the thing I found a bit funny, was that the new Area Manager basically told me that nobody pays attention to the Atlantic area unless things are going wrong, so while being a strong performer there means nothing, realistically the Atlantic DC's are a dead end.  It gave my old flames a bit a of burst to point out that, well, I am here now, eh?

Which leads me into my whole point of writing this.  I tend to write these posts, then go off for awhile, and come back to re read them when I am feeling a bit blue.  So here it is, I am not sure if I have it in me anymore to be what probably attracted the higher ups to move me. I have always tried to be a team player, but be the brightest flame in the candelabra.  But as I look down, I dont' see that much wax left, and the wick is becoming increasingly short.  I am really hoping this fresh start ( new job, new city, newish car, ..) will be what I need to reform myself, but after three weeks, I am tired, very, tired, and I am not finding that well that used to be there, no searching needed.  I hope it is just the stress of the move, new workplace and habits, that once I have gotten over will help the spring once again fill said well.  Yet, as I keep dropping the bucket down, I am getting scarred at how much more empty it is when it comes up.

I have always tried to use the doubt in myself as a driving force, but it is starting to be like I am driving in snow, and it just keeps getting deeper.

But you know what, that just means I need to find a bigger and better snowplow.  I am getting older, grey is the dominant colour in the beard, but time to adjust, and be better.  I AM getting too old to worry about self doubt, and just do what I have done in the past, chose the action do the action, and live up to the action.

That's it, should somebody stumble across this, hope it was an interesting read.