Tears in the Bath

Fuck it all. So tired, so fed up, so lonely.

Broke, barely afford to eat, perfect cure for my alcoholism as it is now literally (can you get beyond literally) to the point of buying hot dogs, $0.99 Pasta and sauce, and wondering how I will afford gas to get to work after next week. Yet can't shed a pound....go figure. Thank you Frito Lay for the job and snacks that are easily succumbed to thanks to hunger cravings.

Fuck it all. Beautiful new apartment, and albeit I spent my disposable income on becoming a drunken sop (look it up), I finally traded in my repair of the month sedan for a 1/4 ton pickup truck...god I have wanted a truck for the last ten years...now I can't afford to put gas into it because I am too busy killing my liver off.

Little lesson kiddies, go read other blogs for how much fun life is, how you can just say fuck it all, get a car, got to some city/ festival and not care. I'm 32, employed, by myself, not many friends to speak of, and a neglected dog. Where's the gun to end it all. Maybe a boat and cinder blocks come July... life sucks and it doesn't get better.

I have even read over my previous posts, and all I can think of is how the hell did I write that. It acutally shows a pure descent down. Geez.. maybe I should even keep throwing in those posts that just seem to end in a middle of a thought/ sentence.

I don't know, maybe if I keep typing, life will make sense. Ha ha, and schaw...maybe monkeys will fly out my butt.

So, what has happened, why is it that I can't seem to contribute regularly to this blog. Why does no one accidentally stumble across it? $5 TimHortons card to the first person who acutally leaves a comment.

Snapping back, I have moved...a bigger apartment, 1 bedroom, plus den, washer/dryer/ dishwasher all included. I am on a lake with a a walking trail into a nature park. I bought (well, the bank bought me and wants monthly payments) a brand new truck, but yet I still can't figure out the whole social thing. I dont know, maybe

Trying to go uphill while downhill

I'm tired of this all. Tired of complaining, tired of doing nothing, tired of weaknesses, tired of shortcommings.

I make bold statements I want to acheive, I set small goals to meet, but yet things always revert. But, over the last year, maybe what I felt was a revert, maybe it wasn't a complete backslide. Looking back, I think I did manage to gain a bit of ground each time, but it was so miniscule, I failed to view it as any kind of forward movement. They say that you have to hit rock bottom to sometimes teach you the error of your ways, but it gets hard on the ass when you think you keep hitting rock bottom, and eventually your ass gets used to it. Then, one day, you realize it's not your ass, but your feet that are starting to go numb. And that, is when I realized that maybe I am heading in the right direction.

And I realize that direction, in fact, I have known about it for the last year. You wake up, and feel a bit better about who you are. After shutting down and away, you start to feel lonely. You know that alcohol isn't the best medicine, and start to look at better ways of coping .

And yup, in all that confusion, and turmoil, all of those feeling of self pity, of self loathing, I know I have to jump from this hole. But how?

Best philosphy on how to quite drinking: today I won't have a drink. That sounds great and achievable, but how often have I been autopilot and just pulled in and bought a six pack. How to live the philosphy- remove the means to acquire the six pack. Have extra money? Move it to an account that is a pain in the ass to access or withdraw from (hint...ingdirect can be great...takes a week for the money to clear, takes another 3 days after that to deposit it back into an account). Basically, buy your food, fill your gas tank, set your bills on automatic withdrawal on payday, then whatever is left, move it to a harder to reach place (but not too hard...emergencies or events do happen)

Look around...do others need to drink as much as you. Co workers will always joke about tying one on...but they are joking, you are living it. Do you go to different liquor stores to make purchases, to ensure that you don't become a familiar face? All you are really doing is becoming a familiar face at many liquor stores. That feeling of disconnect, that seeming clarity that comes after a few drinks, there are other ways to deal. Admit you have a problem, and solve the problem.

I hope to convice myself. I will keep the argument up, but as I said, I am tired of being this way. There has

A musing of sorts

So what is weakness? I have a few ideas...

And another dead soldier

Sorry, guess the title might be a bit misleading, but I am sure that those who need to understand, will.

So, only a week has gone by, and for some reason I felt the need to write again.

Soooo...number one, after the last post, let's just say that maybe beer goggles goes both ways...lol..but, funny enough, not that I really care. Instead of finding this as yet another failure, it was a refreshing step in the right direction, I think. I have never picked up in a bar, but for all the good I felt from the experience, there was also a list of things to work on ( apartment clean, are you drunk...are you smashed....stop talking)

Look, I am probably the worst guy to actually psychoanalyze himself ( fuck...if someone is actually reading... my ex wife is a psychologist), but I do know that I have been very depressed since January, which I decided the best way to cope with was with isolation and alcohol. For awhile, seemed okay. But....yes, it did start to take a toll on me....my social skills deteriorated,...the weight i lost came back and the physical conditioning was lost...and worst of all for me, my work performance started suffering. So, basically I became the walking embodiment of the old "back to school"specials.

But, no earth shattering, life altering things happening. More so a gradual coming out of the shell. Again, refer to the last post, but I am finally gaining confidence in myself again. The more I look at myself (and trust me.... the after midnight self introspections still occur) I see a normal person. Wow...what an earth shattering revelation!!!! Seriously though... My coping with my divorce, and basically my whole life goal up to that point, was a serious bout of denial. Look, in TV or Movies, your buddy/ brother shows up at the door with a six pack, ready to brow beat you back to reality. I didn't have that. People who I thought were my friends suddenly became ackward...my family offered support, then disappeared. The only upside was that I never had a close relationship with my brother, but over the last couple of years, and maybe more so the last few, he has made more of an effort to connect. Unfortunately, as I write that, I realize that it has been a one way street.

I have actually gotten to talking to my boss a bit over last few weeks, as we have had to spend quite a bit of time together. She basically has everything I saw for myself...a decent job...kids...a spouse who they still love. She is not much older than I am, so I kinda of view her as a role model ( it helps that our personalities mesh well), but also see what could have been for me, if not for some character flaws ( again, if you can't figure out the title....)

But, I now feel that I have walked around the barn, threw some apples in the door, walked throught he stables, stood in front of the pen, and now have one foot in the stirrups. (if you are reading this, and mayhap are a bit slow....I am getting back on the horse). The old work ethic is coming back...a new found confidence/ who gives a fuck is cropping up. I am a geek....I am cranky...I am a nice guy...I am nervous and akward...I am intelligent.... I am me.

So, again apologies to myself and others that I couldn't have another post with somewhat witty obersvations/ comments...but sometimes you just need to get stuff out.

What do you mean Star Trek still isn't in theatres.

So, here we are midway through summer, and I can apathetically say that not much has changed, yet. Due to a particularly wet beginning, and work commitments, I found that I basically had no time or drive to head out camping for a weekend. In fact, didn't have much of an inclination to do pretty much anything besides sit at home and play WoW. (if you are reading this and don't know what that is...try this link: www.google.com). Okay, complete sidebar, but was playing the other night, and this married couple ended up having a fight, with the hubby actually accusing the wife of going to have an affair with another gameplayer. Sad part is that he logged onto the game to do it! Talk about maybe having the game invade your reality just a wee bit too much.

Anyway, interesting tid bit of what can happen these days. So, after watching that, it was almost like seeing something through a window. More in a sec maybe.

So, as per norm I guess a quick check in of how I made out with made last paragraph of pronouncements. Yes, I actually go the the used bookstore around the corner now. I still sometimes go to a further grocery store to avoid running into the "ex". I have been out with friends, doing this I wouldn't normally do, like shelling out allot of money to see a concert I had no desire to see. But...I am sort of happy to say I did get a confidence boost. Was out with a buddy at the pub, waiting on some friends of his, when I thought I would be nice and buy a drink for some ladies who had been looking my way. So, yes, and maybe....insert whatever questions you would like...pervert.

So, yes, I think I finally got the kick in the pants I needed, both with a glimpse of the patheticness of playing online games and substituting that for actual "people time", and maybe seeing that I am not completely hideous to the opposite sex, though I probably won't be going after Meagan Fox anytime soon.

So, that is it. Actually, fairly dull compared to some of my earlier rants, but... yeah, still can't come up with anything.

Leaving the blue room for another little bit. Put the chair back when you're done.

next in series

So,

it finally happened today. After living in the same area as my ex, I ran across her at the grocery store, with her new

Another April Post?

Hi to everybody.

So, I have actually read over my list, and have started picking off some of the items.

1.) I went to the used bookstore, and of course is was great! Small shop, crammed full of books, some eccentric patrons wandering about. But seriously, it was a good shop, and the owner was very personable. After selection 2 books, the owner gave me a $1.50 discount and would sell me both for $10 (paperbacks, but who cares, reading is about escaping). But, since I am generation next guy, only had a debit card to pay, which they don't accept ( cash only). I told the shopkeeper I would be back, and proceeded off to the grocery store a couple of blocks away. When I returned, cash in hand, the owner/shopkeeper was just returning from the coffee shop, apologized for almost missing me, then related that he had enjoyed the first chapter of one of the books I had selected ( he read it while i was gone) and the second selection had been almost sold a couple of days before. So, lesson 1, peak head out of shell and be rewarded.